Come Clean
by ZBBZL
Summary: "They're both a bit damaged, but not broken; no, not anymore." Nate pays an unexpected visit - surprisingly, Kensi has a lot to say. Established KD.


**Title**: _Come Clean_

**Timeline**: summer 2015

_To Jess who apparently is crazy enough to think this is awesome. Hope you're all crazy, too. :)_

* * *

They watch her through the glass window, pale and tired – dramatically so – her eyes puffy from crying and lack of sleep. The silence between them is so heavy and filled with unease that he _has_ to break it. "She's not going to like it, guys…"

Sam pats him on the shoulder, his eyes never leaving Kensi as he speaks. "You're not a shrink today, Doc. You're her friend."

His heart swells painfully in his chest as his eyes become a little fixated on her every move, from the slow but gentle motion of her thumb on the back of his hand to the kisses she presses to his skin every now and them, almost absently. He's rarely ever seen Kensi Blye display this much affection to anybody, at least never this freely, so the sight sort of stuns him a bit – in a good way – though Nate guesses he should have seen it coming however absent he's been for the past few years.

The tragic repetition of events wipes the small smile off his lips immediately.

"She looks exhausted."

"Been there since yesterday," Callen says grimly, rubbing a hand over his jaw. "Hasn't left that chair ever since. We had to threaten her to let the nurse sedate her if she didn't get something to eat."

"I bet she didn't like that either."

"She said she'd rip her throat open with her teeth if she tried. She really doesn't like that Debbie girl."

Nate smiles. That's _their_ Kensi. But a pale, tired, scared out of her mind version of her. Then he sighs; stepping in that hospital bedroom is the last thing he wants to do, the worst reunion scenario anyone could have ever come up with. He's certain that Kensi _doesn't_ want to talk right now, and he feels so terribly bad for reappearing only in extreme situations. Once upon a time he likes to think that she _would_ have come to him, if ever the need or desire were to bring her to, but _now_… Now things are different. Now he's not their operational psychologist anymore, nor a permanent member of the team.

Now he's just another man who walked out of her life.

Callen nudges him to the door, tilting his head in Kensi's direction. "Go see her. Sam and I need to check in with LAPD. We'll be back later."

He gives him a pat on the shoulder, and then they're both gone; Nate takes a deep breath, his hand finding the door knob. She doesn't even acknowledge his presence, not lifting her head up, probably thinking of another nurse or doctor walking in and out to check on his vitals or move his pillow.

"Hey you," he calls softly, closing the door behind him. Her tired yet beautiful features stretch in surprise as Kensi lifts up her head at the sound of his voice; it takes more than pain and grief and tears to make Kensi Blye less of the gorgeous woman that she is. "I, uh, brought you a snack," he continues, holding out a cup of coffee and a doughnut that earn him a smile. "Can I ?" he asks, motioning to an unoccupied chair on the other side of the bed.

"Sure," she shrugs, a small smile playing on her lips; her teeth dig gently in her bottom lip, worrying the skin. She looks pensive for a minute as he moves the chair next to hers before she speaks again. "So they brought you back from…" she lingers as she meets his eyes, the warm chocolate gaze calm and steady. "The republic of none of your damn business," they finish together, and Kensi can't help but chuckle. It only lasts for but a moment before she closes down again, though; before her brow furrows and Kensi presses her lips in a thin line, her fingers tenderly stroking the hand she's holding tightly as if nothing or no one could take him away from her as long as she guards it.

Nate allows his gaze to wander to Deeks for the first time, taking in the scratches and bruises all over his face and arms; they're not his worst injuries and he knows it – Deeks' legs and ribs took the full blow according to the doctors he saw earlier.

"Gah, that smells worse than this hospital," Kensi huffs as she turns her attention back to him as he hands her the cup, purposely avoiding calling him out on the anguish she can spot in his eyes. She can't – she just _can't_ do this right now; can't let him get into her head or make her talk about her feelings. She takes a sip and flinches, wrinkling her nose. "God, I hate decaf. Come on, Nate. The guys aren't here to watch us, right ? Bring me some real coffee."

A soft smile crosses his lips at her attempt at casual; that's not the way he operates, though. "Kensi…" he tries tentatively, laying a gentle hand on her knee.

She frees one of her hands to lay it on top of his. "Don't…" she says quietly, her voice just barely above a whisper; yet he hears the silent plea loud and clear. "Don't tell me I need to eat and sleep and get out of this room. I don't, Nate, I – I really _don't_. I don't need some fresh air and a nap. I need him to wake up and be okay. And…"

And she's afraid that if she leaves the room, he might not be when she comes back.

"I'm here, Kens," he replies quietly as if reading her mind – _damn him_ for the ability to just _know_ things without her having to actually utter them. "I'm not planning on going anywhere, so you can lie down and I'll wake you if there's any update, okay ?" He squeezes her knee gently, tilting his head to meet her eyes again.

Kensi sighs – it's a quiet yet heavy sigh that shakes her entire body. "He wouldn't let me out of his sight if I was the one in this bed, Nate." Her tone is determined, resolute, matching the trademark crossing of her arms that he can envision in his head whenever he thinks of Kensi Blye; it's not there today though. Instead, Nate feels like an intruder in an intimate moment, in a relationship that has grown into something he wasn't there to daily witness, reaching levels and layers that he is sure none of them really ever contemplated when they first were partnered up.

"Okay." His reply is simple, no other word needed. There's no changing her mind and Nate knows it. "Do you – do you want to talk about it ?" He knows what happened – Hetty filled him in when she called him the night before – but that's what he does, asking and probing and pushing just a bit. He knows how she's been doing, barely eating, not sleeping in over thirty-six hours, never leaving his side, never letting go of his hand. He knows that Kensi Blye abhors nothing more than showing any weakness, and that the tale of how her life turned into nightmare is likely to force her to take a path she's always refused to follow.

They can sit there in companionable silence if that's what she wants.

_She_ breaks it a minute later. "He's a cop, Nate," she starts as if talking to herself. She brushes a stray curl from her forehead and tucks it behind her ear, hesitating between going on or running – it's not an option, though. She won't run because that's not what she does anymore, Deeks has taught her that. "The odds are that he'd get shot again in the line of duty. I never thought of a hit-and-run. Who does that ? Who hits someone and runs off without calling 911 ?" Nate can do little more than reach for her fingers, silently squeezing her tiny hand in his much bigger one. "I wanted ice-cream, Nate… He went out to buy me some. He'd baked me muffins, but _no_, I wanted _ice-cream_."

He hates the guilt and anger he can hear in her voice – there's almost disdain edging there, and Nate truly hates to think that his friend feels like this. "It's not your fault, Kens," he offers, hardly believing that he has nothing better to say. "God, it's not. You can't blame yourself for what happened. He _wouldn't_ blame you."

She snaps – she knows that Nate has nothing to do with the accident either, and that just like Callen and Sam and everyone else he's just trying to be kind and comforting. But she can't stand this, she can't take it now, can't accept the reassurance and the soft tone and the compassion. She can't because they all act as if Deeks was dying, and he's not – _he is not_ – because she knows him, _dammit_. "And how would _you_ know ? You're never there anymore."

_Point taken_.

Nate takes the blow without flinching – years of doing this job have helped him about that. He's faced his fair share of angry, devastated, grieving, homicidal people to know that everyone has their limits and that someday they inevitably reach their breaking point; and obviously, _Deeks_ is Kensi's. "You're right," he admits, his tone soft and even as he leans back in his chair, "I don't know him as much as you do. But anyone paying attention can see that he's always cared about you. _A lot_. And when you care about someone this much, you just can't stand the idea of them going through so much pain. You can't."

He watches her lift a hand to Deeks' face, gently brushing curls from his eyes, tracing with a single fingertip the scar grazing his temple. It's these little things that say so much about what has happened through the years he wasn't there, since the last time he saw and worked with the team, a little over two years ago now – it scares him, how time seems to never slow down but only speed. This little gesture, the tenderness lacing with her touch, the look in her eyes, those gorgeous dark eyes filled with sadness but so, _so_ much love…they do tell him about these two more than Callen handing him a cup of decaf or the small swelling prodding at her formerly flat and toned stomach could ever.

"Feels like I've missed plenty while I was gone," he goes on, his voice softer, an invitation to confession, to share good memories instead of lingering on the present, too raw and frightening.

Kensi smiles weakly, rubbing her palm over her belly. "God, I _hate_ decaf," she repeats, the ghost of amusement sparking in her eyes. Maybe she does hate decaf and not getting to have a beer after a long day, but Nate is certain that she does _not_ hate the reason why she no longer can.

He can't help it. He brushes a knuckle to her skin, playfully bumping her chin. It's not something they do – the intimacy their friendship gives them is more about seeking comfort in words than touches – but Nate can't think of anything else. "You care to fill me in ?"

He kind of can't wait to hear the story of how badass, reckless Kensi Blye traded her dear gun for weird cravings and a baby bump.

Or what it was that changed it all, for her to allow herself to love and be loved again. Yeah, that he really wants to know, because it was a _long_ way to go.

(Feels to him like bringing Marty Deeks into that team was the best idea Hetty Lange ever had.)

Kensi laughs – God, how he's missed that laugh. She cocks an eyebrow at him, a little smirk tugging at her lips. "You don't know where babies come from, Nate ? Because I sure as hell am not gonna explain it to you."

"I have a general idea," he shrugs nonchalantly, smirking back at her. "What I don't know, however, is how that specific baby," he says, gesturing to her belly, "got there. Last time I saw you guys, you were training Deeks with pain," he starts counting on his fingers, "all too eager to leave him for the night at an all-male prison, or avoiding your annual psych eval that I guess could have uncovered a lot of things, things you didn't want anyone to know…"

"There was nothing going on between us back _then_," Kensi counters almost petulantly as she reaches again for Deeks' hand. "And don't you dare get into my head," she threatens Nate, "and tell me that this has been going on for longer than I think or am willing to admit. _No_. It started a few months later…"

"So why don't you tell me about how it started ? Since I already know the happy ending."

She's grateful for that, for him, his optimism, the way he's always trying to make her see the good side of things instead of living in the past hurt. So Kensi grins softly, her smile wider than before, and breathes, focusing on Nate's cologne rather than on the hospital scent of antiseptic and blood as she inhales. "Okay. What do you want to know ?"

"Everything."

And so the story begins.

* * *

_The hot air of May wraps itself around them, the fresh ocean breeze softly drying their cooling bodies as they sit on the beach one evening. An afternoon spent in the water – Deeks insisted to give her surfing lessons to spice up a bit their one-upping game – turned into dinner on the beach watching Monty chase butterflies and birds, pizza and shared plate of fries laying forgotten between them. _

_She's finishing his sherbet (she stole it from him, and he whined for good show) but her attention isn't on the sweet taste of strawberry and lemon. No, it's on _him_, and him only. He's throwing a ball to Monty, ruffling the over-excited dog behind the ears whenever he brings it back, and all Kensi can think about in that moment is how handsome he looks, relaxed and carefree and happy, his hair glowing under the soft sunset, his eyes lit up with glee. She becomes a little fixated on the small water droplets of water falling down his curls to his neck, disappearing under the white shirt he put on after peeling off his wetsuit barely half an hour ago – she herself is still wearing her bikini underneath a pair of shorts and his hoodie. She can almost feel the taste of salt on her tongue every time she inhales, her lungs overwhelmed by the scent of him, salt and ocean and sunshine and life. He laughs as Monty barks happily and licks his palm, and in that moment Kensi realizes that this has become her favorite sound. _

_And that she'd want to hear it for the rest of her life._

_Yesterday, Indiana Jones – the trilogy, because God, Deeks couldn't accept his partner's lack of culture. Two nights before, he had actually taken her out for dinner to that place she'd begged him for months – threatened him of bodily harm if he didn't. On Tuesday, she'd finally surrendered to her mom's gentle insistence and invited him over at Julia's._

_Four nights in one week. Not just the nights, as this afternoon just proved. Four nights had seen them inevitably end up curled up – she refuses to call that cuddling – on her couch for a movie, or dressed up for dinner. Or enjoying the sunset at Venice beach, mere inches between their still wet bodies. _

_It's happened a lot over the course of the past few months._

_Of the past couple of _years_._

_But never before had it stricken Kensi how much time they do spend together, on how many nights they can't seem to separate after a day at work. How he's slowly replaced the night-outs leading to some stranger's bed with a knock on her door, cheesy movie in one hand, take-outs and beer in the other._

_How she longs for those nights more than she's willing to ever tell him._

_How she doesn't really want to go back to jumping from one bed to another, never giving more of herself than her body for a few hours._

_He catches her staring at him. He looks surprised, maybe a bit puzzled, but he gently lifts a hand to her mouth, brushing a drop of sherbet with his thumb. "Piggy Kiki," he teases, tapping her nose. "What's up ?" he asks, his eyes, oh God those beautiful azure eyes staring back at hers, sending shivers running down her spine, igniting the fire pooling deep in her belly. _

_She fists one hand in the fabric of his shirt, pulling him to her as she lifts the other to his neck, gently threading her fingers in his hair. Her mouth is on his before he can even comprehend what's happening._

_It doesn't take him long to respond, and God, when he does…_

* * *

"So _you_ kissed him!" Nate grins, recognizing determined, strong-willed Kensi Blye in that first memory.

"Oh, shut up," she says as a soft blush tints her skin. She quickly turns to hide it, her eyes losing a bit of their spark as they find Deeks again. She leans in to adjust his pillow, dropping a tender kiss to his scruffy jaw before sitting back on her chair; Nate says nothing about the single tear rolling down her cheek. "Yeah, I kissed him, so what ? Women can't make the first move ?"

"Oh, they _definitely_ can," he laughs again, giving her a wink. "It doesn't really surprise me anyway. So that was…two years ago, right ?" She nods. His mind wanders back to that year, to the last time he came home… To the last time he saw Rose and how he screwed up things between them.

He goes silent for a moment, and this time it's Kensi who reaches for him, patting his knee affectionately. "If you have a moment, you should go see Rose. Last I heard, she's not seeing anyone. Hasn't in a long time."

He covers her hand with his, squeezing back. He won't tell her right now because he wants to hear what happens next, but seeing Rose is part of the plan, among other things. "Thanks for the tip. But now, let's go back to you, uh ?"

* * *

_She gladly welcomes his weight on her as he rolls her to her back, hovering over her on the soft, warm bed of shells and sand. Kensi no longer has any notion of space and time, completely forgetting about where they are and whether they're alone or not; all she can focus on is him, and getting _more_ of him. His scent, his warmth, the feel of his skin under her fingers, the feel of his, calloused and big and strong roaming over her body – they're truly intoxicating. He's all around her and that's exactly right where she wants him._

_He laughs against her mouth as Monty tries to join the snuggle session. "Daddy's a bit busy at the moment, Monty," he groans, the low humming of his voice sending another wave of shivers rushing all through Kensi's body. She tilts her head to the dog, not sorry in the slightest for monopolizing the attention of his owner, and Deeks' lips find the sensitive skin of her neck. She can do nothing to hold back the breathy moan that escapes her own._

* * *

"Do I really want to hear that ? No, I don't think I do. Nope," Nate interrupts her, shaking his head.

She gives him a light punch to the shoulder, and God, pregnancy and love haven't changed the fact that Kensi Blye _doesn't_ kick like a girl. "Don't be an idiot. Nothing happened on the _beach_. He bought me another ice-cream after that, we went home, end of story."

He doesn't say anything about the way she said _home_. He just smiles, and urges her on.

* * *

_She pierces through the fog slowly, blinking her lashes a couple times before getting used to the bright sunbeams illuminating the room. She knows it's late, even later than the time she usually wakes up on a Sunday morning, but Kensi doesn't care because she just wants to stay in bed forever. She tries to stretch away the blissful ache in her muscles but finds that something is keeping her from doing so; not something – someone._

_Deeks._

_His naked chest pressed to her bare back, his scruff grazing her shoulder as he'd fallen asleep nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck, his arm wrapped so snugly and tightly around her waist that Kensi is sure that she couldn't move or get up. Not that she wants to._

_She allows a smile to reach her lips, glad that Deeks is still asleep and that he can't see the contentment on her face – she knows for sure that it wouldn't be of any good for his already gigantic ego. She almost contemplates closing her eyes, the soothing feel of his chest heaving in and out against her skin enough to lull her into sleep again, but the impulse to turn in his arms and wake him and…_

_(She's really glad now that she's not facing him because there's no hiding the soft flush creeping up her skin at the thought crosses her mind. _

_God, those thoughts…_

Memories_, more exactly. Very vivid ones.)_

_She thinks of all those other mornings waking up to him on her couch after a movie night, tangled limbs and blanket spread over the both of them, her head tucked under his chin and his arms around her. He'd just give her a lazy smile and she'd slowly stretch before getting up, asking – demanding – that he'd make her breakfast while she showered. This morning isn't so different._

_It doesn't _have_ to be different._

_Granted, instead of the rough surface of her couch she woke up to the softness of his bed sheets; instead of the feel of creased fabric from dozing off still fully clothed, it's the warmth of his bare skin that's sinking into hers. And instead of playfully blinking her lashes so Deeks would make her those waffles of his, Kensi wants nothing more than to stay in bed for the rest of the day. _

_Save for those little details, they're still them – Kensi and Deeks._

_And, God, how good they are together._

_She feels him stir behind her, unconsciously tightening his hold around her body as he slowly comes awake. He nestles his face deeper in her neck and she feels him do that little twitchy thing with his nose that she has grown to find endearing. His words from a year ago echo in her head._

_I have a tendency of doing that when I'm happy._

_She feels him tense as he probably realizes that she's awake, too, so she quickly finds his hand, linking their fingers over her stomach – if against all odds _she_ is not freaking out, she won't let him either. She hears him exhale softly, his breath fanning over her, and just like that the simplest brush of his warm air on her skin sends a renewed wave of shivers and sparks all through her body, right down to the pit of her belly._

_He hardly has time to say Morning, Sunshine, that she's turning in his arms, lifting a hand to his face to brush some curls from his forehead, cupping his jaw and kissing him slowly before making memories from the night before the present all over again._

* * *

"I didn't even think of getting up and run away," Kensi says, her voice barely above a whisper as she shakes her head. "Not even for a second."

They both know that this much says it _all_.

* * *

_Kensi Blye hates surprises. In their line of work, surprises rhyme with death around the corner, unexpected threat and gunfire. But it's an entirely new feeling that overwhelms her when Deeks slips in behind her one day and wraps his arms around her waist, pressing a tender kiss to her temple before he leans in to whisper in her ear, "You trust me ?"_

_God, how she does._

_She nods and he breathes in her ear, gently nuzzling against her hair, his warm breath making her skin tingle with excitement even before she finds out where he's going with this. It's a new feeling she's still not completely used to, the cuddling, the crazy amount of displays of affection that Deeks lavishes without restraint, his kisses and his strong arms around her that make her feel safe when she's thought she didn't need anyone for so long. He hugs her tighter, one arm holding her as his free hand draws soft circles on her hip, her belly, his fingers edging impossibly close to the cotton fabric of her shorts. "Deeks…"_

"_Yeah, yeah, right," he concedes, dropping another kiss to her jaw before he goes on, "I'm gonna ask you to do something and I want you to do it without asking me why, okay ?"_

_Everything in her screams no, no, no, but he did ask if she trusted him and she said yes. And she does. And Kensi knows that Deeks wouldn't ask her to do anything she doesn't really want to do, so after a moment, she tilts her head to the side and meets his playful sky blue eyes. "What is it ?"_

_He smiles and spins her around, kissing her soundly on the lips. "Go make your bag. We're leaving in an hour."_

_A dozen questions cross her mind. Obviously, where are they going ? She quickly rules out tropical islands or anything requiring for them to get a vaccine. How long are they going to be gone ? Who will take care of Monty ? What kind of clothes should she bring ? She wants to press and ask because she hates that, not being in control, not knowing every detail, not being the one to lead… But the look of joy in his eyes when she agreed is just something she can't get enough of. She wants to see that spark in his eyes every day. So she nods again, and Deeks gives a light tap to her behind, urging her to her room._

_She giggles._

_An hour later, he parks his car in the parking lot at LAX. _

_Three hours later, their plane to Hawaii take off._

_That's the day when she decides that letting Deeks lead every once in a while can offer benefits she'd never imagined. And that if he wants to surprise her like this again anytime soon, she'll be more than happy about it._

* * *

"Way to win a woman's heart," Nate chuckles, reaching to pat Deeks' leg before remembering the state it is in. His right leg is broken, the impact his left one received just a little less severe; except for a couple cracked ribs, overall Deeks has been lucky – Nate knows better than to say this to an emotional, pregnant, still homicidal Kensi, though.

"Oh, it wasn't so much about Hawaii," Kensi says softly, her small smile reaching her eyes. They're gleaming with unshed tears, but for once Nate is not sure that they're a bad thing – they were brought about by the memory, not by Deeks' condition. "I mean, it was _amazing_, and I – I loved every minute of it," she continues, quickly brushing the back of her hand to her eyes before linking her fingers again with Deeks'. "It's just… it had been so long since someone cared enough about me to do something like that, you know ? But that's who he is… He makes it impossible not to…" She bites on her lip, the faint flush on her cheeks surfacing again.

He knows it's a hell lot coming from Kensi Blye. She definitely isn't the same woman he met years ago anymore, nothing like the young agent who sat in his office and didn't open her mouth for a full hour before getting up with a nod of her head and a quick, almost condescending _thanks for the good talk, Doc_.

(God, her first psych eval had been even more challenging than Callen's, and that says something.)

Nate watches her quietly, really taking her in for the first time since he came in as he waits for her to speak again, if she ever wants to. Years don't really seem to do anything to her except making her even more beautiful; but the heavy weight on her shoulders that used to make her look serious and focused all the time is gone, now replaced by the soft glow that isn't solely due to the pregnancy. It's _love_, undeniably. In spite of the anxiety and fear he can easily spot on the frown of her brow or the wetness on her cheeks, Nate can tell without a doubt that she is happy.

Thanks to the man they were _oh_ so not glad to see joining their team.

But for that, he will forever be grateful to him. They're a team of lone wolves, and through the years, Nate feels like he's become more like them than he ever was in the beginning; it's been four years, now. Four years of travelling from conflict zone to another, going from an assignment to another without turning back, leaving everything behind. His friends, his country. _His Rose_. So if in the midst of all that chaos, Deeks has reminded Kensi of what _home _means, then he's happy for her. For them.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do if he doesn't wake up, like, _right now_," she finally says, finding her voice again. He can hear how it breaks at the end, the restrained sobs forming in her throat that she tries oh so hard to hold back. In that moment, he wants nothing more than to hug her, to wrap his arms around her and just for once let her know that someone is there and that she doesn't have to do this alone. He doesn't, though; he doesn't really have time to think of any other course of action before Kensi continues, her voice so low he has to draw his chair closer to hers to hear her. "They said he'll be fine, so why doesn't he wake up, Nate ? I'll tell you why. That's what he does. He annoys the hell out of me, pisses me off and does everything to drive me crazy." She rambles, but she can't stop. "He thinks that endears him to me, but it doesn't. He believes I'm gonna fall into his arms when he opens his eyes ? Yeah, no."

She never lets go of his hand as she rants, though. Her voice is small, broken when she finishes. "When he wakes up, I'll slap him. And kiss him. Not necessarily in that order." The shaking in her voice just about kills him, so Nate goes with rubbing her back with one hand, tracing smooth, soothing patterns meant to calm her down. He's never seen her so beat, so fragile, so broken that she doesn't even try to hide it. She rubs tiredly at her eyes, and the sight breaks whatever remnant of strength he has. "It's just that I, uh, I – I haven't woken up without him since… God, how ridiculous is that ?" she asks, laughing, the mirthless sound nothing like he's ever heard. She turns to him, disbelievingly shaking her head. "I can't sleep because when I wake up, he's still gonna be like that. But God, I'm so, so tired…"

* * *

_She has delayed this moment for as long as she could, taking forever to soak in a bubbly lavender bath, the tension in her muscles slowly loosening as she almost fell asleep there, the gentle lick of the warm water doing wonders to soothe the unease she felt. But only temporarily. And then, she's busied herself with one episode after another of the Real Housewives or Top Model preciously saved on her DVR. It's past midnight when she finally switches off her living room's lights and climbs into bed, giving up on any pretense._

_Whether she likes it or not, he's not there and she needs to get up for work tomorrow, so sleep it is._

_It's ridiculous, really. She's spent half of her life on her own, so it _shouldn't_ bother her this much to spend a couple nights without him. But it does, God how it does. Deeks took a few days off to take care of…she doesn't know what exactly – an old friend who needed help, and Deeks being, well, _Deeks_, had to be the one going to his rescue – and Kensi could have never suspected how his absence would affect her._

_He had left early that morning, long before she had to get up for work because of the three-hour drive awaiting him. She had felt him drop a kiss to her forehead, and then her cheek, even her nose before reaching her lips. "Gotta go, Princess," he had murmured, pressing soft kisses after another until she came awake._

_She had wanted nothing more in that instant than to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him back to bed with her, really. She'd gotten used to waking up to the feel of his chest pressed to her back, one of his arm as a pillow, the other snaked snugly around her waist… More than that, she'd grown to need it, his arms warding off the nightmares that even his soothing warmth couldn't keep away forever, the gentle reassurance of his breath fanning over her neck the one thing she needed to believe he was safe and unharmed and there when she'd come awake. But he _had_ to go, and she refused to be the one holding him back. So she had wrinkled her nose, pouting just a bit because, _dammit_, why did he have to be so cheesy and wake her up, didn't he know by now that sleep was sacred to her ? _

_He had just laughed, tenderly brushing some curls from her face before leaning in for one last kiss. "I'll text you when I get there, okay ? And tonight ?"_

"_Just go and let me sleep, Shaggy."_

"_Yes ma'am."_

_And then he was gone._

_And now, lying wide awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, the clock showing 4AM, Kensi can't help the pang of regret hitting her square in the chest at being so stupidly stubborn. Because now, he's not there and the bed feels empty and cold, the darkness of the night oppressive and scarily silent without his strong hold and the gentle caresses he absently brushes over her skin as he drifts off to sleep. His scent still lingers on the sheets and her pillow, but it's not enough._

_She will die a thousand deaths before telling him that she wore one of his shirts that night._

_She's been tossing and turning for hours, repeatedly dozing off for mere five minutes before being startled awake by that feeling of unease and danger lurking around; but every time she comes to, Kensi knows without a doubt that it's not fear for her safety that keeps her from falling asleep. It's his absence. The empty spot in her bed. No clothes haphazardly cluttered on her bedroom floor along with hers._

_He's not there. And it absolutely kills her._

_She reaches for her phone on the nightstand, her fingers flicking on the screen until his name appears, but then she stops. It's ridiculous, she decently can't call him this late…or this early. She doesn't want to be that girl._

_What's so wrong with being the girl who misses her – her _what_ ? The man she's spent almost every day with for more than three years now, who also happens to be the one person she just can't function anymore without. Her partner. Her best friend. The one who makes everything a little less insufferable, the loss and ache and past and blood and death surrounding them on a daily basis less frightening and overwhelming with every passing day._

_She's spent years running away from that. Commitment. Feelings. Relationships. _

_She doesn't have any real friend except for the people she's come to think as family._

_But in the end, she doesn't really have anyone but him._

_At the end of the day, he's the one she wants to come home to, the one who goes through hours of mindless TV shows and ends up buried under a thousand Twinkie wrappers; the one that she still wants when morning comes, too._

_It almost doesn't surprise her when her ringtone interrupts her thoughts – Deeks has never been the one hiding his feelings. She picks it up, comfortably sinking back into the mattress as she greets him with a playful yet enamored, "Hey you."_

_He doesn't say anything about her picking up her phone at the first ring. Instead, she can hear his smile even before he utters any word – she welcomes the one tugging at her own lips like an old friend. "I could have never imagined that someone could snore louder than you, Fern," he teases easily, "Could wake the dead."_

"_I don't snore."_

_Deeks laughs good-naturedly. "Yeah, sorry. I keep forgetting that my mind makes things up during my sleep. You definitely don't snore. Princesses don't snore."_

"_Good boy." Kensi turns to lie on her side, her phone tucked to her ear as her fingers find the hem of his shirt, distractedly toying with the soft cotton fabric. She looks down, her eyes fixed on the small motion as a wave of something she can't quite name any differently than embarrassment crushes over her. She wants to keep on with the light teasing but at the same time she can't just pretend that she isn't wide awake at the ungodly hour of 4AM because she can't find sleep when he's so far away. _

_He takes her silence as his cue to speak. "It's no fun when there's no one to fight me for the right side or steal all the sheets during the night," he starts tentatively, the unusual hesitation clear in his tone. It's his own way of saying so much without saying the words that scare her, she thinks. _

_Thing is, it doesn't scare her anymore – at least, not as much. She hears the surprise in his little gasp when she goes on, "I wish you were here."_

_No teasing. No calling her out on her undying love for him. His reply is simple, quiet, gentle. Deeks. "Me too."_

_When he comes back four days later, he's barely crossed the threshold that she's backing him up against the door, her lips pressed against his, her arms around his neck._

_And when she's done welcoming him home, she tells him that he's bed-assigned for the rest of his life. This time, he does tease her about wanting him so bad. She doesn't disagree._

_And later that night, she tells him that she's been thinking…_

* * *

"And barely a month later we were moving in together," Kensi shrugs, frowning at Nate's big grin. "What ?"

"No, nothing. Keep going." She yawns loudly, and he squeezes her shoulder gently before standing. "I'm gonna get you real coffee, okay ?"

Kensi's eyes dart to him, wide and surprise clear in them, and a slow, thankful smile tugs at her lips. He's back within fifteen minutes with a cup of fresh, highly-sugared coffee and almost every candy at the shop. He watches her as Kensi drinks the hot beverage avidly, both hands holding the cup as she empties it in almost one single gulp. She turns to him, some colors back to her cheeks that weren't there before. "You don't know how much I've been craving for this," she hums, licking her lips. "I know that he only does it for the baby, but he just drives me _crazy_ with all those lectures about how I should eat veggies instead of candy, and on and on…"

There's too much tenderness laced in her voice for her annoyance to sound genuine or very deep, Nate muses. "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl ?" he asks, feeling just a bit guilty now for feeding her junk food addiction.

"Not before another month. He says it's a girl," she adds with a sad smile as she turns to Deeks, putting her cup down. "I don't know why he wants a girl so much. He keeps saying that it doesn't matter, but I'm just so…" She bites on her lip, pensive for a moment. She tucks her hair behind her ears before leaning her elbows on her knees. "I think that he's scared that if it's a boy, he won't know what to do with him," she all but whispers, as if she didn't want Deeks to possibly hear her. "You know, because of his father and how things were between them. He never talks about it and I don't push, but…"

She sighs heavily, closing her eyes for the briefest moment as she puts a gentle hand to her belly. Nate's eyes are drawn there too, and even after more than two hours spent at her side, he still can't quite get used to the sight or the idea of Kensi Blye being pregnant. So far, she's given him a general idea of what happened during the past two years; general lines of a story he wasn't there to see unroll, too busy elsewhere to even take care of his own. She's shared their first kiss, that trip to Hawaii they took that summer, and their moving in together; everything in between is still blurry, up until today and the baby growing inside her or the bond tying her to Deeks.

He would have never imagined that so many things could happen in barely two years.

"Or maybe he just wants a little girl because they look adorable in pretty dresses and with bows in their hair," Nate says after a moment, not seeing any better reason for Deeks' insistence that he knew the baby was a girl. "Or maybe he spends too much time reading baby stuff and he's collected irrefutable clues. You shouldn't worry that much."

"You're right," Kensi replies, her voice soft, almost a million miles away as she rubs her belly slowly. "You're right. That's his thing: worrying. I'm the reckless crazy one, after all." She laughs to herself, the sound free of the panic he's been hearing in her voice. "He does read a lot," she says, commenting on his last remark. "He's crazy obsessed with that baby. You should see him with my mom… She keeps telling me that she's rarely ever seen a future father being so… Well, so _excited_."

"So I take it that they get along well ?"

Kensi laughs hard, taking Nate by surprise. "Are you kidding me ? My mom adores him. She's _in love_ with him. Everything he does or says is magic. I swear to God, when we told her for the baby, she hugged him _first_!"

* * *

_It's almost a routine, but Kensi knows that he means it every single time, that the words don't lose their magic or power or meaning because he keeps saying them. _

_He loves her. _

_It took her off guard the first time he said it; now, it just sends delicious shivers down her spine and envelops her heart in warmth. God, she's cheesy now. She's cheesy and corny and she doesn't care anymore about the blush that tints her skin whenever he says that he's never been happier._

_She knows that something else would make him happy, though. Something more._

_And she realizes that making him happy is her first priority now. She knows there's nothing she can do about the past, and neither can he; she can't erase the abuse he suffered from, just like he can't change the fact that she's always going to be just a little scared that he could stop loving her and leave her like everyone else did._

_They're both a bit damaged, but not broken; no, not anymore._

_And happy, shiny people move on. They stop letting their past dictate their life._

_She thinks of Ray and Jenna, of the things both men shared about being better fathers than their own, of Ray's happiness and excitement about becoming a dad. She thinks of the way Deeks' eyes light up whenever there's a kid around, of his smile when chubby arms wrap around Monty's neck at the beach or throw a ball for him._

_And then she thinks of big blue eyes and floppy blond hair and she knows she's a goner._

_Couldn't help it if she tried._

_(She sure doesn't want to.)_

* * *

"He keeps bragging about the strength of his genes, because I was pregnant even before we could tell anyone we had talked about it. Callen's still in shock, I think. I'm not sure he really ever recovered from us being together in the first place," she smirks.

Nate wants to say that it's been a shock to him, too, but the beaming smile that crosses Kensi's lips keeps him from doing so. It's everything he's ever wished for her – to be happy, to let go of the past and everything that was holding her behind, all the memories and ghosts haunting her, keeping her from moving forward.

She lost her father, but she reconnected with her mother.

Jack left her, but Deeks found her.

Never before has he believed this much in silver linings.

"And Deeks ? How did he react ?"

* * *

_She tries to think of a way to make the announcement unforgettable all day. She feels like such news can't just be delivered with a simple Hey, by the way, I'm pregnant – she wants to make it special._

_She can't find any, though. She can barely keep her mouth shut because, damn, he's going to be happy no matter how she tells him and she has a hard time veiling her own joy; she can't help but smile just at thinking about it – it kind of overwhelms her but in a good way, just how thrilled she is. She had run away from this for so long, thinking that she simply wasn't meant for this life, for this kind of love that binds two people forever. But God, how wrong she'd been – to think that she didn't want this, or that she could live without it._

_She had been ready to give up on the very idea before meeting him, before he wormed his way into her heart in spite of her best resistance and all the walls she'd spent years erecting around her._

_She could be happy with just the two of them for the rest of their life. But, the more the merrier, right ?_

_She's glad for the game that night and the beer he offers her as he takes the seat next to her on the couch. She doesn't touch it, nor does she finish his like she always does. He cocks an eyebrow at her, already reaching a palm to lay it flat on her forehead because who is this Bizarro version of Kensi who doesn't want a beer ?_

_Her grin only grows wider as realization dawns on him, and then, God, then… She's never seen a more beautiful smile than the one tugging at his lips in that moment._

_It stays there all night._

_It never really left his lips since that day._

_(He gives up on beer out of solidarity. He doesn't go as far as to do the same with coffee – she can't really blame him.)_

* * *

"So you know everything now," Kensi finishes softly, fully turning to Nate. "Did I pass the eval ?" she asks playfully.

"Depends on your answer to the last question," he replies, putting on his best poker face. Her brow furrows and he almost laughs – years ago she would have never fallen for that, so Nate is quite proud of himself. "Are you happy ?" he asks, already knowing the answer. In spite of the tears and the anguish, there's no doubt about that for him.

"Yeah, I am," she nods, giving a quick glance to Deeks. "Don't tell him, but he's pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me."

"My lips are sealed."

They fall in companionable silence for a long moment, Kensi's eyes focused on the gentle rise and fall of Deeks' chest, her fingers drumming an impatient rhythm on the arm of her chair. Even Nate starts to feel a bit edgy and he's barely been sitting at his side for three hours.

She surprises him when she speaks, but at the same time her words make him feel like he truly has a home with NCIS, with this team, with his friends, however long he's been away. "I wish you'd been there, you know. Or that you could be there when the baby is born."

"Maybe I will." Kensi's eyes widen again, surprise clear in her dark eyes, so he goes on, "I've been reassigned to, uh, something that requires for me to be there. There still will be some travelling, but only within the US."

She's flinging her arms around him before he has time to say _I'm coming home_.

"I'm not even dead yet and you've already replaced me. _Women_," they hear behind them.

Nate can't quite take his eyes off them, the look of pure elation in Kensi's as she turns to Deeks, touching his face and staring at him as if for the first time, the concern in Deeks' as he tells her that he's sorry for worrying her and asks how she's doing. He remembers the wariness and hostility of the team towards him in the beginning. He remembers hearing Kensi complain about that infuriating, maddening LAPD liaison officer.

He remembers thinking that this could be the beginning of something good.

He's never been happier to be proven right.

* * *

_The end_


End file.
